("Don't care about me. I'm serious.")

An “undateable” Jennifer Aniston is nobody’s problem but Jennifer Aniston’s.

A Brit reporter purports that “we are killing Jen’s relationships,” and “we have her love-life’s blood on our hands because, even though she’s a successful, beautiful, rich celeb who probably has a pretty fun life, we don’t believe she can be content unless she finds love” and “We’re desperate for her to get married, have a baby and be blissfully happy ever after. Mainly because otherwise Angelina wins, and the thought of that is simply unbearable.” This is a woman that earnestly claims she’s “100% Team Aniston.” Who says that in, uh, 2008?

Like Jezebel, I don’t carry this burden. My office wall isn’t scrawled with markings each time Angelina wins (Aniston, still 0). I don’t “cheer” for Jennifer when I see her hugging a “mystery man” then get “disappointed” when her “hot date” turns out to be Paul Rudd. No. That — and all the burdgeoning sorrow and regret that Brit writer is carrying — is what is ruining Jennifer Aniston.

If anything, I’m just offended by her rom-coms. Which is something I solve quietly by not seeing them.

Sources: Why Are People Obsessed With Jennifer Aniston’s Love Life? (Jezebel)
We’ve made Jennifer’s love life the Pitts (The Mirror)

Photo: Dave Edwards/DailyCeleb.com

Despite having a fiancé with the initials “B.A.G.,” Megan Fox is quite the big deal. Naturally, some hot lesbian romping would only up the Megan Fox status-o-meter.

In Jennifer Body’s, things get a bit salacious for Megan and her sweet/sultry co-star Amanda Seyfried. According to a Hollywood Rag spy, “The two girls make-out hardcore, rolling around in a bed.” Topless, too — I wouldn’t tease!

Oh, that checkered life of Diablo Cody’s! We have the Juno scribe/former stripper to thank for this hot little zombie flick; Megan is a possessed cheerleader with some, uh, killer intentions.

Of the movie, Foxy revealed recently: “I eat and seduce everyone. There’s a lot of kissing everyone — boys and girls. All kinds of craziness.”

Like it? You betta.

Source: Megan Fox Had a Hot Lesbian Scene (Hollywood Rag)

Photos: Adriana M. Barraza/WENN; Patricia Schlein/WENN

(Believe me, O.C., we considered "Laguna.")

For every yard that Malibu’s Zuma Beach is long, it is also the length of Gwen Stefani’s pregnancy with her second child. With that, let us give a hang-ten welcome to baby Zuma Rossdale.

It’s a boy, too. Full name is Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale. Despite his second middle name, I predict he’ll be a huge fan of Rasta.

Source: Gwen and Gavin Birth Baby Zuma (E! Online)

Photo: WENN

Lest Reese forget about Stop-Loss (BFF can’t forget Ryan and Abbie’s dreadful Southern drawals), Miss Witherspoon’s new boyfriend Jake Gyllenhaal might be put to the Abbie Cornish-as-co-star test.

Industry types (or let’s face it, In Touch snoops) are entertaining the idea of casting Abbie in Jake’s upcoming movie — might be the Doug Liman project, who — ha! I just realized — matched up Brad and Angelina for Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Reese, I trust, won’t waste 15 minutes worrying about this. If anything, it’ll be Ryan shouting expletives at a seemingly pro-Jake brick wall.

Source: Jake Gyllenhaal & Ryan Phillippe share another girl (In Touch)

Photos: Nikki Nelson/WENN; Apega/WENN; Patricia Schlein/WENN; Dave Edwards/DailyCeleb.com

(Lover of South Florida.)

Apologies, Miley. Us older kids will be using our hard-earned 250 bones for a plane ticket to Pompano Beach, Florida to see …

… mothereffin’ Johnny Depp. In the gorgeous flesh. Performing live with his former band, The Kids.

KOOL 105.5 has all the glorious details. The Romantics and other local bands way from the ’80s will also perform, all for the 2nd Annual Sheila Witkin Memorial Reunion Concert August 28 and 29.

I’ve never wanted you so bad, South Florida.

Sources: Johnny Depp Live in South Florida ( KOOL 105.5)
Johnny Depp Live in Concert (Perez Hilton)

Photo: WENN